Numbr 9

I’m back from MEPS (military entrance processing station). I’m all enlisted into the US Navy. I will be trained to be an OS or (Operation Specialist). Basically  Imagine the S.H.E.I.L.D air craft and all the people on the deck (playing galica), that would be me. My eye sight is jack shit, so no Aviation for me-not as though I wanted to in the first place. I fly off June 24. Pretty early, but I’m….I”m really glad this is all happening.

My job takes me 8 years of duty. 5 of those years I will be in active duty while I can choose the last 3 years to be, kind of in reserve. If i’m needed, which would be for extreme or dangerous times (hasn’t been used yet) instead of deploying the draft, me and others who chose to remain inactive for those remaining years would be sent back into active duty. More than I expected, but I have nothing against it at all.

Right now I’m crying. And I’m so happy with what I’ve been assigned and what I’ve signed into. I think it’s just that I’ve been up since 4am. The whole process took only a few hours. Through the medical and forms and signings. It all just happened in a few hours and now here I am. So I think my emotions are just trying to catch up with everything that has happened.

I’ve figured out some things that I’m not going to let myself forget:

• My writing, both poetry and my novels. No matter how much I get into. I have to remember to write. I can’t let myself forget that, at some point, I want to publish my work. I want to be a writer. I don’t want to lose myself in any shape or form. I doubt that I will. But I just…I can’t forget to write.
• Music. Again, I doubt i’ll loose myself so much. But it’s just so important to me that I can’t forget it.
• My friends. There are not too many friends that I want to keep up with. And there’s always Facebook (ew). But I want to, at any time i’m home, to take the time and visit and see them.

At the hotel. Where we all stayed-both processing and those going to boot- it was nice. I had a roommate and I met and talked to a few people. I was invited to eat dinner with my roommate. What turned into a 4 person table transformed into 8 when we invited a few others to join us.

Overall it was all a good experience. The medical was…weird at times, but I didn’t feel invaded or anything of the sort.

Again. Super proud of this moment. Still crying. But I’m waiting for my future now, my future isn’t waiting for me as much as it was before.

Post 8

In Career Connections we had to think about and write down what be the perfect future for us as individuals. We had to think of at least 10 things and check mark if you needed money for it or not, would you pay it cash or credit, and if you would share it with family or friends (or both). It was a lot harder than I expected, because I don’t need much for a perfect life.

My “Perfect Life” would be much like this:

I would have a room to myself. Just my room. Where I could paint it any color and then paint pictures and lyrics all over the walls and the ceiling. Inside that room would be my laptop, I’d have a typewriter (I’ve always wanted a type writer) for when I’m feeling up to it. There would be candles and incense with the walls lined with shelves of books. Paper and notebooks would be a clutter fest on my desk. Empty tea cups and coffee mugs would line the edges and stains would color the paper. CD’s would scatter the remaining surface space, or on the floor, anywhere they would fit. I imagine empty chinese boxes would be overflowing the trashcan.It would just be a room I could get lost in and write.

I would own a tea kettle. I’ve always wanted a tea kettle with tea cups and saucers. Ever since I was little I’ve wanted them.

My closet would be full. On one side would be my “fun” clothes. My band t-shirts, jeans with holes, skirts with chains and boots with clasps. The other side my sweaters and sweatpants and tennis shoes. Because I like wearing both types of clothes and choosing one or the other is too much of a commitment. Because some nights I will want to go out to a concert or to a club and just have fun. And then other nights I just want to write, or watch a movie and cry and eat cookies and chocolates.

I would have my dogs. Hopefully I’d still have Lunar. I’d have Teacup, a little Papillon with black fur and butterfly ears and they would cuddle up with me on the couch or while I’m in my room. And sleep with me at night, where we’d share a bed.

Sometimes I imagine my perfect future realistically in the form that I’ll sleep with my dogs. Go out with friends but never with a significant other. I wouldn’t have anyone to pull me out of my room. I’d have my pets and my family. I’d watch my sister and brother marry and I’ll be content in my little house with my room and my words. I’d keep warm at night with my dogs and the stuffed animals I would never give up and with the extra blankets I keep with me for comfort. I’d cry at Disney movies and bury myself in Lunar’s fur or the pillow I brought with me into the living room.

Then I have fantasy’s where I’m with someone. I don’t have to have a marriage. I’ve always dreampt of a wedding. Where I could wear a beautiful dress and dance with my partner and be bonded with someone through the ceremony. But I would be content and happy just as long as I was with someone I loved. They would tempt me out of my room, where I would shut out of the world. We’d hold each other while we quoted the movies we’ve watched a thousand times, but they never seem to dull the mood. We’d hold hands in the park, or just because we can and we’d never tire of the feeling of being so close to each other. We’d fight and have disagreements, there’s not ignoring that it will happen. But we’ll never go to bed angry. Holding each other in the night, only separated when the dogs jump onto the bed, demanding attention and to join in the warmth. We’d switch off on holiday’s at our parents house, but for the most part our families join in the holidays were it’s just immediate family.

I’d want the second more than anything. But either it’s realism or cynicism, I’m doubtful that it’ll be the outcome of my life.

For the most part all I want is to be happy with what I’m doing. Preferably, I want to make it to the point where I’m publishing books and all I need to do is write and write and write. I want to feel like I’m doing something good with my life. Making my own little mark, if you will. I want to be happy. Even content if I have to push so far.

Poem

A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

-Edgar Allen Poe

Poem

Dreams

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

-Langston Hughes

Poem

Friends Within The Darkness

I can remember starving in a
small room in a strange city
shades pulled down, listening to
classical music
I was young I was so young it hurt like a knife
inside
because there was no alternative except to hide as long
as possible–
not in self-pity but with dismay at my limited chance:
trying to connect.

the old composers — Mozart, Bach, Beethoven,
Brahms were the only ones who spoke to me and
they were dead.

finally, starved and beaten, I had to go into
the streets to be interviewed for low-paying and
monotonous
jobs
by strange men behind desks
men without eyes men without faces
who would take away my hours
break them
piss on them.

now I work for the editors the readers the
critics

but still hang around and drink with
Mozart, Bach, Brahms and the
Bee
some buddies
some men
sometimes all we need to be able to continue alone
are the dead
rattling the walls
that close us in.

-Charles Bukowski

(you should read “Ham On Rye” It’s a fantastic book and I desperately need to read more of him)

Journal Number 7

Figured I’d stray into this lovely topic. Just because I have a friend that does not seem to grasp the concept that, just because I have not had sex yet means that I’m anti-sex, never think about sex, want to wait for marriage, look down on those who do have sex, etc… and it more so bothers me that he assumed all of these things just because I’m a virgin. Now, if I have ever said anything that would reference that I would be anti-sex or want to remain abstinent, okay, different story. And it just feels like a lot of people I know automatically think that, just because I have sex, they have to shield me away from their sex life. A sex life, might I throw in, that they can seemingly speak freely about to our other friends who have had some form of sexual experience.

I. Want. Sex. I think about sex. I know about sex. I have internet. I watch porn. I masturbate. I’m fucking eighteen-years-old and have had a lovely two-three years with the comforts of my fingers than you very much.

I’m not going to condemn anyone for having the sex that they want. Will I think somethings are just a little creepy and what I would never consider doing in my life? Yes.  I’m not the only one. But as long as the sex is consensual and your both (or more, if you’re into that) into it, go right ahead and have fun.

So, I don’t like it when my friends push me away, even though they KNOW that I’m liberal with sex. We’ve had the talks and explanations. Sometimes I would have rather my friends waited until they were older to become sexually active and were a little smarter about their choices of partners.

For example: I have this friend who got pissed off at his boyfriend when they broke up, called a guy he met online, never met before, and had straight up sex with him, losing his virginity right there. He was 16. Now. What most bothers me is: he hardly knew the guy and could have ended with his throat cut and that he now regrets it because he didn’t stop and think about what he was doing. That’s the only reason why I’ve waited like I have (other than the fact that no one I’ve dated, all of one person, have I wanted to have sexual encounters with) because I don’t want to regret any time I have sex.

And it’s not that I have my virginity and it’s some great and powerful thing that I need to protect. I’d prefer to try to keep my decisions regarding my body my decisions and not just out of anger or rebellion. I don’t think that’s a bad thing either. Wanting what’s best for me mentally and physically, especially when it regards my self-esteem, which, after years of bullying and not feeling good enough, is still shot to hell, no matter how much progress I’ve made in the last few years.

Basically, I don’t like being lied to about sex either. I have a friend, who I really think of more as a friend, who I thought…well…obviously what I thought was the opposite of what happened. And it wasn’t that she had sex that bothered me. But the fact that  I found out from a mutual friend, whom she told nearly all of her experiences to (before their friendship fell to hell) and even though I’m the closest to her, regarding emotional intimacy, I felt pushed away from a part of her life that she hid from me because she thought that I would see her differently.

There it is again. I think too many people over complicate sex. Make such a big deal about it. That no one wants to open up, in fear of rejection or revulsion. Should it be weird or socially unacceptable to talk about what turns you on? Or to say that you’ve had more than one partner in your life, or that you are interested in casual sex? It’s all just so taboo and no one can talk about it.

I could go through a whole other rant about sex. And probably another afterwards. (Different main topics of course). But I think I’ll end this here and hopefully this wasn’t so confusing to read. It’s basically all that’s in my head right now.

Music

 

This is, right now, my favorite lyrics to this song: “Teen Idol” by Marina and the Diamonds. The whole song is just fantastic. I enjoy her imagery and the flow of her words. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t still listening to her nonstop.

Poetry

Much Madness is divinest Sense –

To a discerning Eye –

Much Sense – the starkest Madness –

’Tis the Majority

In this, as all, prevail –

Assent – and you are sane –

Demur – you’re straightway dangerous –

And handled with a Chain –

-Emily Dickinson

Note: I’ve decided that I’m also going to share poetry and lyrics that I enjoy reading/listening to.

Journal #6

Tomorrow after school I journey to Marion,OH to join my Navy recruiter. We’ll go over the forms I’ve slaved over (security is a bitch). Luckily I do not leave my room, or else I would have had to fill out more of the information than I already had to. I was supposed to plug it into the website I was given, but it had blocked me out. So either my recruiter will send me a new e-mail with a new way to get into it and I’ll have to speedily shove the information into the website during school, or we’ll have to do it at the office. Hopefully he’ll shoot me the e-mail so I can get it over with quickly and leave him less work to do.

Off to Columbus we will go. I have no idea how long we’ll be at the building in Marion, but I get a hotel room for the night and I’ll get a wake up call at 4 a.m . Which I will probably set my own alarm for a few minutes before that time, just so i’m already up because wake up calls freak me out. During our band trips to Chicago and Florida, I always woke up before the wake-up call because I just hated be asleep during them. Weird, I know.

The paperwork and security clearance will take a while. They’ll have to go over my forms and ask any questions they might have. I imagine that either they will not have too many questions because there isn’t much there, or there will be more questions just because they will not believe that I seriously do not do much. At all. Ever. Now, if they background checked a few of my friends and asked if they had ever had a ticket, done drugs, caught with alcohol, then it would be a more exciting form and meeting.

Sometime after that I get to go visit their doctor or whatever and get a body exam. I’ll get my weight, height, and general health checked out. Again. I don’t do anything. Ever. No broken bones or trips to the hospital. So that will be fairly boring. I’m a little worried about my height to weight ratio. Hopefully they shoot high with my height and round up. *Crosses fingers because I cannot go without eating any longer like I have all week*

Normally I would have to take the ASVAB, but I did that last year and I scored a 73, which is pretty high. I think the average is 55. All I did was take the test seriously and I scored well.

A career councilor will meet up with me. He/She will show me my options, show me what they think I would be good at, and I’ll pick from the list. There’s nothing specific I want. I’ll be happy with just about anything that does not have to do with mechanics. I also don’t care where I would be stationed either. I’m pretty free flowing with all of that. I guess that’s not the best attitude to have? Or so my dad has warned me against. But it’s the truth and I can’t help that.

This will take all day, and I’m missing school for it. Deep breathes because I hate missing school. So much that I’m not even doing the job shadow that it half my grade in Career Connections (a rant will be in here about that I’m sure).

Again, I’m a little nervous about it all. But I know that if all goes well I won’t have to worry about my future for a while. I’ll have to survive boot camp. Which, as long as I can reel in my urge to cry when I feel like a failure, I’ll do fine in I think.

I never thought about joining in the military. But I like what the Navy is offering. I always change what I want to do with my life and this will give me a solid path until I figure out what I want to do with it. Other than write. Because that has always been a constant. I just need a more stable one at the moment, being so young and broke. This will be good for me. If I like what I do there I can stay and if I don’t, i’ll get out, take my GI Bill and go to school or find a job. I have four years to decide.

Blog #five

This is where you get to hear me whine. To be honest. I’ve just copied and pasted this from my tumblr. But then I figured that this belonged here as well. But if I have to re-write and punctuate I just might start crying and my mom hasn’t left the house yet.

 

no mom, you’re not “interrupting me” I am ACTUALLY upset, but I can’t say that because then I’m a selfish brat, in both how you’ll see me and double about how i’ll feel if i throw any kind of feeling that it makes me want to throw up that i might have to wait for the day before prom, to get a dress. it’s next fucking week and i’ve waited, patiently, for you to have the money that does not ever seem to exist when i actually want to do anything and then i feel guilty and shoved into a corner when i like something but it’s too expensive. and then i feel bad because i am actually disappointed and i feel like i shouldn’t be.

i should just be happy i ever get to do anything. and i should not be disappointed that i’ve had to wait this long and that i’m probably not going to look anything like i would like to for prom. settling for the cheapest thing that will look terrible. and we haven’t even talked about shoes. which means i’ll wear the same ones from last year. and that makes me irrationally sad and angry, and i shouldn’t be, because i sound like a spoiled brat.

i have half a mind to tell her that i don’t have to go to prom and i can just miss it this year. it’s not like i have any solid plans anyway. i feel like i’m just floating around with it. not sure hannah wants to even bother with me on that night. she said before that i was going with her group but now it feels like i’m anything but included and only woody really asked me/said he wanted me to go with them after prom.

wouldn’t it be easier just to stay at home on tumblr, blast some music and cry? defiantly less money. maybe i could dress up in my cute spring dress and go to starbucks, wallow in coffee and write and blog and then go home to tumblr and cry.

i mean…it’s not like i have a date i’m ditching. all my friends will basically be going to prom or to laser tag, which has already been reserved and i don’t want to be late in joining (just in case of the reservation). so, it’s not like anyone will really notice if i’m not around anyway. besides, saves a shit ton of money.

i don’t know. the only thing holding me back from doing the above is my mom’s annoyance and she’ll feel bad. it’ll just depend on how much i can convince her that it doesn’t matter (i’ll feel bad, but i guess it just depends on what feels worse).